


Basically a Criminal Mastermind

by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle



Series: Storytime: Voltron is (Basically) a Disaster [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Drugs, Humor, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Pidge 20 minutes late with Starbucks, Plot Twist: Hunk is a Garrison God, Shiro and Adam are confused, criminal activity, keith is trying his best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-17 05:42:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15454572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle/pseuds/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle
Summary: Hunk stabbed the mashed potatoes and felt his mouth drop at how they immediately went back to its original shape. Now he was no expert – actually… Yes. Yes he was.He put his fork down and laced his fingers together.“Lance?” He spoke up, calmly pushing the plate away. Lance pulled his gaze away from his book long enough to peer over at him.“I need your help.”“With what?”“So you know how we aren’t supposed to cook meals for other students? Which is a bogus rule by the-”“Yes, Hunk.” Lance interrupted “I know. You’ve told me a million times, dude.” He said with the air of someone who was far too tired to deal with this. Hunk huffed at his lack of enthusiasm for an obviously important issue.“I’m going to make an illegal restaurant.” He proclaimed. Lance tilted his head. Hunk stared back at him, refusing to blink.“You cried the other day because someone ran in the hallway.”“Excuse me for caring about the safety of our peers!”OrHunk accidentally becomes a mob boss in the Garrison. He didn’t realize his dream job was to be a hardened criminal, but whatever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome. Technically part of a series, but if you want to read just this it would probably make sense. If you want to check the previous fics the order is this: Basically Home Schooled, Basically Heterosexual, and Basically American (aka Keith's Fic, Shiro's Fic, and Lance's Fic). 
> 
> For those of who HAVE read the rest of this series then all of those illegal kitchen references are about to make sense.

"I can't find my class."

Hunk said this to nobody in particular. He didn't really know anyone to ask for help so he just announced the statement to the hallway. He had _thought_ the Garrison students in his class were also eleven... But everyone around him looked quite a bit older, which only added to his confusion.

"Let me see your schedule." One girl said, holding at her hand. He gave her the paper and she frowned down at it, tilting her head a bit as she read it. 

"Uh, I'm supposed to be in Mr. Carter's class in room 602." He offered and she rose an eyebrow at him before giving a slow nod.

"I... Yeah, I see that." She nodded and handed him back the schedule. "Do you know where you are?"

"Um," Hunk blinked, trying to remember what building he had read earlier "I think I'm on level six..." He trailed off and a couple of curious students hovered a bit closer to him. Hunk glanced at them nervously, a little overwhelmed by the sudden flock of people surrounding him. The girl blew a bubble with her gum, waiting for it to pop before answering.

"This is Garrick High, kid." She said and when Hunk stared at her blankly, rolled her eyes "You're at the wrong school."

....This was fine.

* * *

As it turned out... Hunk rather liked Garrick High School. The principal had called the Garrison to pick him up, but until then he was allowed to spend the day with the high schoolers (who were _so_ cool) and sit in on classes. By the time lunch rolled around he had made a handful of friends who had all given them their numbers in case he wanted to visit again.

"Arizona food is delicious." He noted as the lunch lady handed him an extra cupcake. One of the boys, Darren, laughed.

"Don't get too excited. We're a food haven in a tasteless country." He said with a suffering sigh. Hunk blinked. "There's a group of students that volunteer to cook for us. The principal had to go through all sort of legal stuff to make it a thing. We're  _so_ lucky - because before that?" He shuddered "It was horrid. Absolutely horrid." He said and grimaced "They kept giving us chocolate milk. Does chocolate milk, like...  _Go_ with any meal?" He asked with a frown "Anything paired with chocolate milk just sounds... Gross." He wrinkled his nose. Hunk figured he was excluding desserts so he just nodded. The girl from earlier ruffled his hair. 

"So are you going to be a pilot, kid?" She asked and Hunk gave her a shy smile.

"Maybe? I'm going to try. I might want to be an engineer!" He told her brightly and she chuckled.

"Nerd." She informed him, but the word was softened by her dumping some more food on her plate "My aunt teaches at the Garrison. Her name is Elena Rivera. If you see her tell her to fuck off for me."

"I'm not allowed to say that word."

"Tell her to fudge off then."

"I can do that!" He said brightly and the girl beamed at her him.

* * *

"You live in a _dorm_. How did you get so lost that you ended up at a high school three miles away?" One of the teachers (Hunk thought he said his name was Mr. Frasier?) asked him as he got into the car.

"I wanted to try out the GPS on my phone." He shrugged "I just followed the directions."

"For _three miles_?"

"Yes."

"...You know what? Fair enough. I respect that." The teacher muttered and pulled out of the parking lot "At least you didn't steal somebody's car to get here." He sighed and Hunk blinked.

"I...What now?" He frowned. Mr. Frasier took a long breath... Hunk felt like he _might_ have made a mistake with the question, but it was too late now.

"My boyfriend decided to bring this twelve-year-old home with him and I haven't met the kid or anything, but according to Takashi he already stole his car. _He_ was supposed to pick you up... But obviously he has to deal with the car situation. Now I have to ask the question of-"

This was going to be a long car ride.

* * *

Tragically, the Garrison wasn't nearly as welcoming as Garrick High School had been. The kids looked sad and the teachers yelled a lot. Hunk discovered pretty early on that he might not like the whole piloting thing... It made him sick to his stomach. Literally. Still, he was determined to stay in at least a few of the classes just to say he tried it.

Classes, students, and teachers aside - Hunk had tried to keep a positive attitude throughout the whole thing. He tried to reason that his dorm was nice and he had a lovely roommate. The cafeteria lines weren't long either, which was good.

Well... It was until Hunk realized why.

"You too?"

Hunk looked up to see a boy standing over his table, holding a tray of what could have been very sad potato salad. He was looking at Hunk's uneaten food with sympathy before he sat down across from him. So far, Hunk had made pretty much one friend... His roommate. The fact this kid was _talking_ to him felt pretty surreal. Hunk eyed him over. He was pretty sure the boy was in his piloting class. He was smaller than most kids their age, with blue eyes that seemed to sparkle with either mischeivousness or panic... possibly both. He wasn't sure yet.

"Me too?" He asked and the boy pointed his fork at the food.

"Satan's food. You can't eat it either?" He asked dryly and glowered at the cafeteria around them "I don't trust people who can stomach it. _Los demonios._ " He muttered and crossed his arms. Hunk scoffed. He couldn't really _argue_ with that analysis. The boy sat across from him, leaning in a bit closer as if they were having a conversation they shouldn't. Hunk watched, a little amused by how... _much_ this boy seemed to be.

"How have you been eating then?" He asked and Hunk received a small shrug as an answer.

"My roommate is like...Mega rich. I sometimes steal his stuff." He said and when Hunk raised an eyebrow the boy scowled "He definitely deserves it, don't worry." He said. Hunk snorted.

"What's your name?" He asked and the boy gave a stunning smile.

"The name is McClain. Lance McClain." He said charmingly and Hunk felt himself trying not to laugh at the dramatics. 

"Do you always introduce yourself like James Bond?" He asked and the boy's shoulder slumped. His lower lip stuck out a little and Hunk instantly wished he hadn't asked.

"I thought that it was an American - er, English thing." He grumbled "But I guess not... Might explain why everyone is making fun of me though." He sighed and miserably put his chin in his hand, stabbing his food with his fork. Hunk felt his chest tighten. He made his first big decision right then and there.

...He needed to protect this small, foreign child at all costs.

"Well," He smiled warmly "I'm Garrett. Hunk Garrett." He told him and Lance's eyes snapped to him before a soft smile hinted at his face.

"Can we be friends?" He asked bluntly. Hunk laughed and nodded.

Thus his first step towards his criminal lifestyle began. Poor Lance probably had no idea what was coming either.

* * *

"Detention."

"I - what?" Hunk spluttered as he looked up at the teacher towering over him "Why?" He demanded. Hunk had never been in trouble in his entire life. His moms both said when he born that he politely thanked the doctors and nurses for taking the time to ensure his safe delivery. He was sure that wasn't true, but they insisted.

"Students can't share food, Mr. Garrett." The teacher told him "We've been over this. There's allergies and a lot of legal and safety problems with students cooking for each other."

"I thought you were joking!" Hunk argued "And I thought it was a really funny one." He added, pouting a little. Because seriously? The Garrison's food was so clearly poisoned and they wanted to argue that the food _Hunk_ made wasn't safe? Ludacris. The teacher rose an eyebrow and Hunk felt his mouth drop. Was this _seriously_ happening? Dear God. _Detention_? Him? He wasn't made for that sort of thing. The other kids were definitely going to pick on him.

Oh _God_. What kind of kids were in detention anyhow? He was going to be locked in a room with hardened thieves and murderers. Possibly even... Drug dealers.

He was going to end up addicted to coke all because he gave Fiona Davison a cookie. How was he supposed to explain this to his mothers? They worked so hard to raise him well and now he was going to be dead on the street by the end of the month.

"Yo! You got detention too?"

Hunk blinked. He had been expecting to walk in and find tattoed thugs and an impromtu game of poker going on in the corner. What he instead walked in on was a couple students lazily drawing on the tables while Lance McClain himself waved at him with excitement from the back of the classroom.

"What... What are you doing here?" He frowned, sliding into the empty desk next to Lance. The boy looked around dramatically before gesturing him to lean over closer.

"I called another student a fucking bitch." He whispered and Hunk reeled back, eyes wide.

"You aren't supposed to _say_ that!"

"Well duh. Why do you think I'm here?" Lance shrugged "My abuela told me it was okay to say if the situation warranted it."

"What was the situation?"

"The guy took the last pudding cup."

Hunk considered. The pudding cups were the _only_ edible thing on campus. Lance tilted his head, waiting for his approval or scolding. Hunk shrugged. He supposed it was fair. You can't just take the _last_ pudding cup without expecting some kind of consequence.

"What, uh, what did _they_ do?" He whispered, jerking his head to the other kids timidly. Lance followed his line of sight and snorted.

"Them? PJ over there put a tack on Ms. Rivera's chair. Petra didn't turn in her homework. McKenzie fell asleep during class."

Hunk shivered. What kind of people was he getting mixed up in?

"What did you do?" Lance asked, eying the teacher up front... Mr. Shirogane? Hunk was pretty sure that was his name. He wasn't really paying attention to them - instead frantically typing something and making horrified faces at whatever the computer was showing him. Lance gave him a doe-eyed look of adoration before turning back to Hunk. "He once told off Iverson in a coffee shop." Lance whispered and shook his head "Sorry. You were saying?"

"Oh. Uh, I... I just gave Fiona Davison a cookie." He said, voice going a little small. Lance's pencil dropped from his hand.

"Dude. _What_?" He gaped "Holy - that's intense, _amigo_. You just...Gave her the cookie?"

"Uh...Yeah?"

"Yo." Lance whispered and lobbed a paperball at the back of PJ's head "Hunk over here got caught giving Fiona Davison a cookie." He said and the entire class (minus Shirogane, who had put a hand over his heart at the computer) turned to him with various expressions ranging from horror to fascination.

"No way," One girl whispered "You have some gall."

Hunk really wasn't expecting to be the most feared person in the room... But hey, he could go with it.

* * *

It was the potatoes that broke him.

The weeks after his detention had brought a strange euphoria. He wasn't sure _why_ , but the need to break the rules was suddenly nagging at him. Not quite for the _sake_ of breaking rules... But because it was the right thing to do. He, Hunk Garrett, could make the world a better place if it wasn't for this totaltarian regime keeping him from feeding these mistreated students.

He stabbed the mashed potatoes and felt his mouth drop at how they immediately went back to its original shape. Now he was no expert – actually… Yes. Yes he was.

Hunk put his fork down and laced his fingers together.

“Lance?” He spoke up, calmly pushing the plate away. Lance pulled his gaze away from his book long enough to peer over at him.

“I need your help.”

“With what?”

“So you know how we aren’t supposed to cook meals for other students? Which is a bogus rule by the-”

“Yes, Hunk.” Lance interrupted “I know. You’ve told me a million times, dude.” He said with the air of someone who was far too tired to deal with this. Hunk huffed at his lack of enthusiasm for an obviously important issue.

“I’m going to make an illegal restaurant.” He proclaimed. Lance tilted his head. Hunk stared back at him, refusing to blink.

“You cried the other day because someone ran in the hallway.”

“Excuse me for caring about the safety of our peers!” He scowled back. What if they slipped? They could have cracked their head open!

Lance put down the book and looked at him. Hunk stared back.

"Yeah, okay." He shrugged "How are we going to do this?"

Hunk was being perfectly honest when he said he didn't think he would get this far. He had no previous experience in criminal activity to really...Know anything. Lance waited patiently for a plan.

"Well...We might need to seek some advice." He admitted and his friend nodded, slurping his goddamn evil chocolate milk.

"From who?"

* * *

"Welcome to career counseling, Mr. Garrett."

"Thank you. I was interested in starting a business."

"Oh? We don't have a lot of entrepreneurs in a space school." The counselor told him, blinking a bit surprise "Especially at such a young age. What kind of business were you thinking?"

"An illegal one."

"Goodbye, Mr. Garrett."

* * *

"That was a bust." Hunk groaned into Lance's bed.

"You probably shouldn't have opened with the fact it is illegal." Lance suggested "Maybe try again, but call it...Unorthodox." He suggested. "Or outside the trunk."

"Box."

"What?"

"The saying is 'outside the _box_ ', not trunk." Hunk corrected miserably. Lance made a face.

"I guess. But a trunk is much bigger than a box. It would be more of an achievement to think outside of that." He shrugged "Stupid English."

Hunk sighed. Garrick High School had good food. It wasn't fair. He wondered how they-

Wait. _Wait_.

Hunk shot up, eyes wide as he looked at Lance, who was still grumbling about idioms. He stopped when Hunk catapaulted off of the bed and rushed towards his phone, flicking open his contacts. Of _course_. Why didn't he think of this before? He pressed dial and waited for the phone to start ringing.

"Yoooo little dude! I wasn't expecting you to actually keep in touch! What's up?" Darren's voice came from the end of the line.

"Hi!" Hunk said brightly "Do you know anything about breaking the law?"

* * *

 "I really,  _really_ don't see how you managed to pull this off so successfully." Pidge said, sipping her hot chocolate. Everyone nodded in agreement with her, still cramped all together in Adam's kitchen. "Did the high schoolers really help you out that much?"

"Only in the beginning. Then Hunk made some gnarly contacts with local crime lords." Lance snorted "That was when things really started catching on." He grinned "I just remember like...Thirteen-year-old Hunk telling this huge guy with two guns strapped his thighs that he had the soul of a butterfly." He chuckled fondly. Hunk shrugged.

"Skull Crusher was a gentle soul... Who occasionally crushed skulls." He frowned and Lance rolled his eyes. Keith was glaring at the ground, probably still steaming over the fight he and Lance had gotten into earlier. Shiro put a hand on his shoulder, but it was immediately shrugged off. Lance, while smiling brightly, also seemed to tense when his eyes flicked to the other boy. Hunk sighed.

"Hey, Lance. I'm thinking some ice cream would go really with our hot chocolate. Can you help me get some before I say anything else?" He asked and Lance jumped off the kitchen's counter.

"Sure, buddy." He smiled and Hunk led him out of the kitchen to where Adam's spare freezer was. He hadn't known Shiro's boyfriend for very long, but he got the feeling that he was the kind of guy to have secret stashes of ice cream...And sure enough, there were three tubs when he opened it up.

"You and Keith really got into it, huh?" He asked conversationally. Lance rolled his eyes. "I'm not surprised. You hated that he left to join the Blade."

Lance's face darkened and he shook his head.

"No. I mean... I should have expected it." He muttered "Anything for Shiro, right?" He sighed and pulled out some bowls. Hunk bit his lip.

"You know..." He said slowly "I always thought he left Voltron for you. Not Shiro."

Lance wasn't a particularly intimidating guy, but when he was truly pissed about something... God, help them. Hunk had enough experience with scary people to not cower, but he knew Zarkon himself would take a step back at the expression Lance was wearing now.

"That's even worse." He growled and Hunk blinked.

"It is?"

"He couldn't think to fucking ask what _I_ wanted in that case?" He spat "No. No, he went to the Blade because he couldn't handle being a part of a team and because he wanted Shiro to be able to pilot." He muttered and kicked the ground. Hunk hummed. He wasn't going to challenge that - it may very well be the truth... But Hunk also knew there could have been multiple reasons Keith left... Even if Lance wasn't willing to accept them.

"Alright," He smiled, scooping more ice cream. "I'm just saying... Hey, speaking of Shiro. Is everything okay?" He asked, pulling out another bowl "I know you guys were whispering about something earlier." He said and Lance flushed before nodding a bit too quickly. Interesting. He filed the reaction away to question a bit more at a different time. From the kitchen there was a cry of outrage.

" _Takashi_!" Adam yelled "Your gremlin son just stole my hot chocolate!"

"I'm a girl."

"Don't lie to my face ever again."

"No," Shiro's voice followed "She's a girl, Adam. You... You do know this is Katie Holt, right? Matt's little sister?"

There was a beat of silence.

"I guess that explains why they look exactly the same." Adam said slowly "Hey, I heard Matt was alive too. Where is he?"

Nobody spoke.

The silence was broken as Hunk dropped the bowl of ice cream and Pidge swore loudly from the other room.

"Mom and dad are going to _kill_ me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously tho - what is the DEAL with chocolate milk in school cafeterias? It literally doesn't go with any meal. Just give the kids water or something, goddamn.
> 
> Anyways...I love my boy Hunk. Honestly the King of Pettiness and Softness all at once. I am having so much fun picturing him handling illegal situations... And yes, I know he hasn't TECHNICALLY done anything illegal yet, but be patient. 
> 
> Also, if the last part didn't make any sense then it might be because you are reading the fics out of order. Here's the rundown: The paladins started telling stories of their Garrison days so the last scene will always be of them reacting to whatever was just told. In the previous fic, Lance and Keith got a little heated/Lance is dealing with some stuff because he's realizing that he might actually be as straight as a slinky. Also, at this point, they are all at Adam's apartment (Warning: my version of Adam is an ass, but he's trying his best)
> 
> LASTLY, season 7 is coming. Help me. I'm not ready so if I disappear for a few days it is because I'll be processing how to handle whatever they are going to throw at us. I hope you are all prepared because I'm definitely not. 
> 
> Thanks for dropping by! I'll hopefully get the next two chapters up (kind of) soon!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So before we begin...
> 
> Season 7 didn't happen. Idk what you guys are all talking about lol. It doesn't exist. In fact, the number 7 doesn't exist anymore. We count 5, 6, 8 now. 7 is canceled hahahaha...ha. 
> 
> Sorry for the late update. I was trying to digest the season and the response to it. I really DID like parts of it. There was some cute shit... but I think y'all can figure out the stuff I wasn't a huge fan of. 
> 
> Here's a band-aid for the pain.

"So I bought this." Hunk said, placing the yarn in the middle of the table. Everyone turned a looked at him blankly.

Lance looked equally confused as everyone else, but was nodding vehemently. He picked the yarn up and held it up so everyone could see. 

"What...Is this?" Sierra, the girl from Garrick high, frowned and picked up the orange string. Hunk smiled brightly.

"It's so we know who is our...Club." He told them and a few people scoffed at the term 'club'. Hunk scowled, turning to find who was laughing and stare them down. He knew he wasn't a terrifying sight as a twelve year old, but his expression was enough to shut them up.

"So...Like a gang sign?" Darren frowned, picking up the yellow yarn. Hunk gaped. That hadn't been his intention at all. This wasn't a gang.

"No!"

"So, like, friendship bracelets?" Sierra suggested and Hunk nodded, pointing at her. _That_ had been more what he was going for. A way to figure out who was in their...Club while bonding over yarn jewelry. The group looked at one another. Lance had already committed to the cause, picking out his colors and deciding what pattern to weave.

"Hey, the number of beads should be like...Your status." He said and Hunk tilted his head "Like a code! Or maybe it should be the color bead." He mused and Darren perked up at that.

"Yeah, dude!" He said brightly "We should have a system to know who is in charge."

"Hey, now." Hunk frowned "We're all equals here."

They stared at him.

"We are!" He insisted and Sierra sighed.

"Little dude, I appreciate you." She informed him bluntly "And I support you... But if you think this thing won't need some sort of hierarchy then you are very, very wrong."

"Well then who's in charge?" He demanded and everyone continued to silently stare. He scowled, waiting for his answer. "Oh." He finally said, voice going very small "Am...Am I in charge?" 

"This was _your_ idea."

He sighed. Fair enough. At least he finally had a group of people to make friendship bracelets with.

* * *

”So...I see your plan.” Hunk said slowly, running his fingers over the paper “And it’s a solid plan...but I think we may need to change some of it.”

”What parts?”

”All of it.”

”Hunk!” Sierra groaned “Seriously? This is the fifth time you’ve scrapped my ideas. You have to accept that we’ll sometimes have to steal.” She told him, placing her hands on her hips.

”I know! I just don’t think we need to steal in this scenario.” Hunk argued, mimicking her stance.

”Well how do you recommend getting the food then?” She shot back. Hunk pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Taking it.”

“That’s what I’m suggesting!”

”Sierra...It’s a _food bank._ The food _is free.”_ He argued “We don’t need to steal! Though that food is for people who need it... Are we sure we should be-“

”I am so close to punching you in the face.”

”I would really rather you not do that.” Hunk told her “I mean, I can’t control your decisions or anything, but I’ve been told by my mothers that my face is quite lovely-”

”It is a lovely face!” Lance chipped in, giving them both a thumbs up “Your face is very pretty too, Sierra.” He added, smiling brightly at her. The girl closed her eyes. 

“You are being impossible.”

“I really don’t think I am-”

“Hunk.”

“Yeah, fine. Whatever. I thought you said I was in charge, but whatever. Be a heathen, I guess. I hope you don’t feel guilt when you look at our friendship bracelets.”

“Do you have an off switch?”

“No.” 

* * *

"Bro... I thought you said you told the guy to get you _oregano,_ " Lance sighed, looking at the mess in front of them "Not freaking marijuana."

"He said he was going to get me the good stuff!"

"And you assumed that meant _oregano_?!"

"I don't know!' Hunk yelled, throwing up his hands "I'm twelve, Lance. What do you expect of me?" He grumbled. He was deciding to ignore the fact that Lance was also in twelve in favor of trying to solve the situation in front of them. "What are we going to _do_?" He groaned. Lance hummed.

"Well...You know, we _could-_ "

"We aren't smoking it." Hunk snapped "What's wrong with you? We're kids." He grumbled and Lance pouted, crossing his arms a bit indignantly. 

"I was going to suggest a bake sale." He said and snorted "Bake sale. Get it? Because-"

"Lance."

"Right. Sorry." Lance sighed a ran a hand through his hair. The basement was practically packed with the stuff. It was only a matter of time before somebody found it. Hunk tapped the wall beside him thoughtfully. When the high school kids gave him a 'contact' he hadn't really known what to expect. He had called the number and spent the two hundred dollars his moms gave to him as spending money. His new high school friends and Lance had each pitched in their share of money too. He had thought it would be enough ingredients to get them started, but...Well. This wasn't what he expected, yet here they were.

"You know... Okay. Hear me out." Lance said, raising his hands and Hunk sighed. He wasn't going to like this idea "So. What _if_ we use this as our starter fund? We've been trying to get money for proper ingredients for ages. And Darren is always saying he would definitely sell drugs if he could."

"Are you _kidding_?"

"Just hear me out-"

" _No_!"

"But if-"

"I can't run a drug ring, Alejandro!"

"Why not?!"

"I have homework!" He argued and Lance gaped at him. Hunk thought it was a perfectly valid concern. Lance crossed his arms and gestured vaguely to their surroundings. The question was clear enough - ‘what was _your_ solution then?’ It wasn't like they could just...Leave it. Or call the cops. Hunk wanted to cry.

He supposed his high school friends did say they were looking for some spare cash... He groaned.

"Fine." He pinched the bridge of his nose " _Fine_ , but I'm in charge of this, alright? We're going to have to be very, _very_ careful...And this is a one time thing!" He said. Lance shrugged.

"You're the one who ordered weed thinking it was oregano, dude."

Hunk literally just wanted to eat something that didn't taste like it came from Iverson's collection human hearts. That was all. What was next? Was he going to commit murder to get some coca-cola? At this point he was legit concerned. Lance poked the the pile.

"I wonder what would happen if I just...Ate some. Like I would a salad or something."

"You are absolutely not allowed to be alone with this stuff."

* * *

"I think I'm dying." Hunk said calmly. The counselor looked at him with a slow nod, humming as if he understood the inner-workings on his mind.

"You are under a lot of pressure." He said and Hunk almost rolled his eyes. Yeah. Pressure. That's one word for it. He also had a wad of cash hidden under his bed from using high school students to illegally sell drugs, but that probably had nothing to do with it. "You know, being stressed out isn't a _bad_ thing. What's bad is how long you hold onto that stress."

"Okay... How do I let go of it?"

"What?"

"How do I let go of the stress?"

"You just...Let go."

"Yeah, but... How?" He frowned and the therapist looked at him like he was stupid. Hunk mirrored the expression. They stared at one another for a few moments.

"You need to let go of the-"

"Listen. I need more direction than that, dude. Have you actually been...Anxious?" He asked, crossing his arms. The therapist nodded. Hunk let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, how do you handle that?"

"I let go-"

"You got a degree for this?"

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hi is this...Uh, Mr. Demolisher?" Hunk asked, trying desperately to get his kitchen in order. His 'cooks' were just some students he was training so it was...A long process. He had to taste test everything while simutanously keeping inventory and ensuring nobody else came down into the basement. He really needed to get some security guards or something. Did their drug-budget allow that?

"Who's asking?" A gruff voice asked from over the phone. One of the kids handed him a plate and Hunk quickly tasted it.

"Add a little tuna to it." He told them and the voice from over the phone spoke again.

"Little Tuna?"

"What? Yeah." He said, a bit overwhelmed "I'm kind of new to the whole organized crime stuff and am working on getting a better income."

"Your customers aren't paying enough or something?" Demolisher asked blandly. Hunk wiped the counter and sighed.

"No, no. I don't make them pay. I think of us as like, a non-profit sort of deal. It doesn't seem fair to make them pay, you know?"

"Uh...What?"

"Yeah. Like. People shouldn't pay to eat. It isn't their fault the Garrison doesn't have good food." He explained and shooed away some students who were hovering a bit closer to the food. "It isn't ready!" He snapped at them and pointed at the seating "We'll bring it out to you. Sit." He said and a few pouted, but drifted away.

"Hold on. You're selling...Food? Illegally?" Demolisher asked "How...? Wait, you're at the _Garrison_? How _old_ are you?"

"Umm... I'll be fourteen next week." Hunk sighed and launched into the sob story that was his life "Look, in order to get this thing running we had to sell drugs and I have nothing _against_ drugs, but I kind of want to find a better way to get money, you know? I kept wondering if someone was going to try and shoot me the entire time." He grumbled "But I don't really know what I'm doing, and my friend said you knew a lot of stuff about crime so I was kind of hoping you could help me out."

The phone went silent. Hunk almost thought the guy hung up on him.

"Kid... Wow. Okay. Um... One sec. I'm going to get back to you, alright?" He said and there was a click. Hunk cursed. He threw his phone down and continued running the kitchen. It was technically going pretty well. So far most of his little operation was made up volunteers who were also passionate about the food situation. Outside of the drug money, most of their funds came from the other students who were desperate for something good to eat. It was working, but he wasn't certain how long that would hold out for.

But how long was he going to be able to keep this up? He had no idea.

The phone buzzed and miserably he looked down to see a text.

_Meet at the old warehouse at 8 p.m._

Really? Eight at night? What was he some kind of night owl? Hunk prayed that these weren't the type of criminals that harvested people's organs and kept serving food.

* * *

“You don’t look like a mob boss.”

Hunk pouted. Lance had told him again and again that it was a _good_ thing that he didn’t look like a criminal since it helped them keep the operation under wraps, but like, come on. He was a big guy. He should be a _little_ intimidating, right? Just a little?

“But I have a bandana.” He said, gesturing to his forehead hopefully. He had been wearing it for awhile now – he had told Lance they should _all_ have bandanas, but since they had only been eleven when he suggested it... Well. Lance told him it would be pretty hard to convince everyone else to get onboard with that.

“Uh…Yeah?” Skull Crusher frowned at him and when Hunk crossed him arms, nodded “It makes you look…Very…Illegal.” He said slowly and Hunk smiled.

He _knew_ it. Lance snorted from somewhere behind him.

"So Little Tuna...Explain the drug thing to me." Skull Crusher said.

Who the _fuck_ was Little Tuna? 

It didn’t matter. He would go with it for now. Hunk took a deep breath and explained. 

“I did a lot of research. I'm only selling marijuana, which isn't really...Dangerous exactly. It's more of a gateway to other drugs if you aren't careful. I can't have that on my conscience so I've devised a system. Basically, because drugs are criminalized people don't go and get help when faced with addiction. So I made sure all of my dealers hand out pamphlets with therapists who will keep their identity anonymous. I think that's the most ethical way to approach the situation." He nodded and Skull Crusher turned to look at Demolisher before opening his mouth. Hunk kept going. "But I really don't like the whole drug thing. I've seen a few episodes of _Breaking Bad_ and it's not really me..."

"He sells _meth_ , Hunk!" Lance called from behind him "It's different... I keep telling him it's different." He added to someone else. Hunk crossed his arms, unrelenting. Skull Crusher blinked.

"This is so weird."

"What? Making sure people get the help they need when distributing a product?" Hunk demanded, narrowing his eyes "This is a serious situation Mr. Crusher."

"No, no...I agree, I just...Nevermind." Skull Crusher sighed, running a hand over his face "Alright. So here's the thing. I can help you out with the money and give you a few of my guys for your...Project." He said slowly "But I'm going to need something from you."

"You can't have Lance."

"What?"

"Lance. You can't have him. I know he's small and funny, but he's my friend so you're going to have find someone else."

"Hey! My mom says I'm going to get a growth spurt soon!" Came another indignant response. Skull Crusher pressed his hands together as if praying and put them against his lips. From beside him, Demolisher leaned over and whispered something into Skull Crusher's ear that kind of sounded like 'what did I fucking tell you, David?'. Hunk decided not to call him out on clearly lying aout his name.

"Okay. So Lance is off the table." Skull Crusher pinched his nose "No, kid. I need intel. You go to the Garrison, right?" He asked and when Hunk nodded, continued "Right. So you're aware that they have important military information, yes?"

Hunk nodded again.

"What would you use that information for?" He asked, pursing his lips.

"Well...Okay, listen. I'm going to be real with you for a second." Skull Crusher told him "My little girl really wants to be a pilot when she gets older, but there is no way I can afford that school by myself. I'm figuring she might get in on a scholarship or something, but if not I need to blackmail the faculty so I can get her in without coughing up a lung."

"Oh, that is so sweet." Hunk gasped "Of _course_ , I'll help you! How old is she? Can I see a picture?" He asked and Skull Crusher brightened. Immediately he brandished a picture of a little nine-year-old smiling sweetly into the camera. "She looks just like you!"

"Really?"

"Totally. Look at the eyes-"

* * *

"Who is the biggest gossip in the school?"

"Mr. Shirogane for sure." Lance said without looking up. Hunk hummed in agreement. "He wouldn't be a good intel person though. He may have the information, but he would _definitely_ snitch on us."

"Then who?" Hunk groaned "I mean... Ms. Rivera maybe? Technically her niece is in our...club."

"This might be true, but she isn't the most...Gossip-y." Lance informed him and waved a dismissing hand "Don't worry about it, dude. I know exactly what to do." He smiled and when Hunk looked at him, shrugged "Adam Frasier is Mr. Shirogane's boyfriend so he has literally all the information." He explained "We're kind of friends so I can get you whatever you need."

"He'll probably snitch too though."

"Of course he would... But I just need him to tell _me_." He explained and when Hunk pursed his lips, pouted "I'm a good spy!"

"I'm sure you are, but...Will he tell you _everything_? We're kids. He might edit stuff. I'm sure he tells Mr. Shirogane more. I bet just reading their text messages would get us the best..." He trailed off, realization hitting him. Lance must have come to the same conclusion because he hit the table.

"His phone!" They yelled together.

* * *

Distracting Adam wasn't that hard.

Lance texted him when he and Mr. Frasier were having lunch so all he had to do was walk in and say the magical words Lance had taught him.

"Is, uh...Mr. Shirogane around? I wanted to ask him something...Personal." Hunk clicked his tongue and Adam tilted his head, eyes flicking him up and down curiously as Lance bit into his sandwich. "I think he might be the only person he gets it."

"Oh?" Adam asked, suspicion hinting at his tone and Hunk knew he was on the right track. "May I ask what it's about?"

"Well... I got a crush and...Yeah. There aren't many gay teachers I can go to." He sighed dramatically. Based on the expression Adam was making, Hunk should have just punched him. There was a moment of silence where Adam seemed to try to form words but couldn't. "I...You are straight, right?" He asked and this seemed to break the man.

"I...Am I what?" Adam blinked "A...No! No, I'm - do I look straight? Do I give off that vibe? Not that I...I don't have _problem_ with straight people or anything. Both my parents are actually heterosexual as a matter of fact. I support them completely. Obviously. I wouldn't be here if they hadn't been in love, I guess. So I really don't _mind_ that sort of thing, but I just don't really want to give people the wrong impression, you know? Not that it is wrong kind of wrong. But like. You know what I'm saying, right?" He said and Hunk continued to nod. From behind him Lance gave a thumbs up, putting the phone in his bag.

"Right. Thanks, Mr. Frasier!" Hunk smiled brightly and left before he had a second to process what was happening.

“Lance, do people at this school think I’m straight?!” Came a panicked call from behind him “I bet Keith started a rumor, damn him.” 

* * *

"Huh. So this is what sexting is." Lance commented, making a face as he flicked through the phone. "Gross."

"Please tell me that isn't _all_ they do?"

"Nah. There's plenty of good stuff on here. Apparently, Mr. Carter is actually a stripper, but Iverson doesn't know. Also PJ Hanson's mom definitely is bribing the school to keep him enrolled, but he should be flunking out." He informed him and tapped the phone "Most importantly, Elena." He smiled and tapped the phone with a smirk "She's going to be our inside woman."

"That bad?"

"Oh yeah. We'll be able to blackmail her until we graduate." He shook his head "I don't know how Shirogane _gets_ this stuff. What a legend." He sighed, dropping his chin in his hand "He's so cool." He smiled dreamily. Hunk was about to respond when the knob rattled. Hunk froze. "I thought you said nobody came in here!" Lance whispered, panicked. They were in one of the old faculty rooms that had been abandoned after construction rendered it the fartherest area away from any of the classrooms. Hunk softly swore.

"Just hide!" He said and dove behind the fridge in the corner of the room. Lance shoved himself in a cupboard just in time as the door fully opened.

"I guess it serves me right." Adam's voice came and Hunk almost groaned. "After all, Takashi puts up with the fact _you_ say he doesn't look gay so I suppose this is some kind of karma."

“Yes...why do I do that again?” Iverson’s voice came from somewhere else in the room. Hunk pressed himself more firmly into his hiding spot, holding his breath. 

“Because I find it a funny way to make him mad when he annoys me.” Adam replied and there was the sound of shuffling. “I just don’t understand how that kid thought I was straight. What about me seems straight?”

“I really, truly don’t know what to tell you.”

“Tell me I’m basically Elton John.”

”I don’t know much about gay people, Adam...but I know you are thinking too highly of yourself there.”

”....I know you’re right, but I’m going to choose to be offended anyways.” Came Adam’s muttered response. “Damn - where’s my phone? I swear, I just had it.”

”Should I call it?”

....oh God no. Hunk wondered momentarily how the Hell he managed to get himself into these positions before risking at glance in Lance’s direction. He would know to turn it on silent, right? He swallowed.

”Uh....you know, that’s alright, Commander.” Adam chuckled nervously “I can find it later. It’s fine.” 

“Are you sure-?”

”Absolutely! I have a class to teach so I have to go anyways.” Adam said quickly and before Iverson could respond there was a click of the opening and closing.

”Huh.” Iverson murmured and after a few seconds there was another click. Hunk licked his lips. He might be having a mild heart attack, but he wasn’t sure.

”Lance?” He whispered and there was a sharp bang as Lance fell out of the cupboard. 

“Ow.” Came the groaned response. Hunk sighed in relief. “Let’s get out of here before they come ba-“

 _Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco. They want my treasure, so they get their pleasures from my photo_.

Lance looked down at Adam’s phone and snorted. That would be why he didn’t want Iverson to call it. 

“Mr. Shirogane is calling. Should I answer?”

“Obviously not?”

”I just want to - shit this.” Lance muttered after trying to turn off the ringer. In frustration he jammed at the buttons and suddenly he ringing stopped. 

“Adam?”

Hunk and Lance froze. Shiro’s voice was crackling at the other end of the line. 

“Adam, are you there?” Shiro asked and sighed “If you’re trying to trick me into believing you got kidnapped again, I’m not falling for it.” He said flatly. Lance clapped a hand over his mouth, obviously fighting laughter. “Well, I’m just letting you know that I’m taking Keith flying later so I’ll be a little late. Love you and stuff.”

The line went silent for a moment and Mr. Shirogane cleared his throat.

”Uh...do you happen to love me back?”

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

”I love you too!” Hunk blurted out. Lance hit his arm. They should have hung up the second Shiro answered, but they were paralyzed. 

“I....are you okay? You sound kind of weird.” Shiro asked and Hunk gave a cough, desperately trying to think of something to say. Lance sighed.

”Maybe!” He snapped out and started rampaging in Spanish. Hunk didn’t know Adam well, but he was pretty sure the impersonation was spot on.

Shiro replied in Japanese. Lance said something back in Spanish. There was a pause before Shiro laughed and hung up.

”I....what just happened?” Hunk asked blankly.

”Adam told me that they sometimes just speak to one another in languages the other doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know why they do it. They might just be really weird. I figured he was less likely to recognize Adam’s voice in Spanish.” Lance shrugged “Why did you answer him?”

”Was I supposed to let the man think he was unloved?”

”Oh my God, Hunk.” 

* * *

"Alejandro..."

"Hi Adam."

"You _stole my phone_?" Adam crossed his arms "You stole from me?" He demanded.

”Were you the reason it was up in the vent?” Shiro asked thoughtfully. Hunk winced. 

“I sent someone to return it and they wanted to do it mission impossible style.” Hunk said and looked pointedly at Lance, who shrugged. 

“It felt really cool lowering it from the ceiling...until it got caught in the vents obviously.” He shrugged. Pidge shook her head at him, gaping. 

“You stole my phone.” Adam repeated.

"Firstly, Keith stole Shiro's car. Let's remember that. Secondly, Shiro looks equally pissed about the Iverson thing, so if I were you I would focus on that." Lance pointed out and sure enough Shiro was looking at his boyfriend with vengance in his eyes. Adam had slowly slipped out of the arm Shiro had wrapped around him at some point during Hunk's tale, possibly realizing what was coming.

"I am aware of that and I am working under the assumption that if I don't make eye contact that I can escape with my life."

"Think again." Shiro said dangerously. Adam shot up and grabbed Lance's arm, dragging him from the room with a call that they would be back later. Hunk sighed and stood up to follow. He should probably save his friend from Adam's wrath since it was technically his fault. He walked past where the aliens were still asleep, towards what he assumed to be a guest room.

"Are you actually pissed?" Lance's voice came from the door and Hunk paused.

"Nah. I'm actually impressed by your thieving skills. I wanted to ask if you were okay, though." Adam responded. Hunk bit his lip. He knew he shouldn't eavesdrop... He also knew he was kind of nosy... He glanced over his shoulder and when he saw nobody else was around, slowly leaned in. He could barely see Lance sitting crosslegged on the edge of the bed, wringing his hands nervously. "You seem...On edge."

"Promise not to tell?"

"I have nobody to tell. Everyone is mad at me." Adam shrugged. Lance snorted.

"Good point...I just. I was talking with Shiro earlier about...maybe, kind of...Liking...Not only girls?" He said, voice going a little quieter at the end.

Hunk rolled his eyes.

"You seriously went to _Takashi_ first? I wasn't pissed about the phone, but this?"

"Adam."

"Yes, yes. Sorry. Umm... Huh. Well what made you start wondering about this?" Adam asked and Hunk considered walking away. He probably should. He took a step back, feeling like he was starting to intrude on something a little too personal.

"What are you doing?" 

"Jesus - Keith!" Hunk jumped at the voice behind him. "Don't just sneak up on people like that! What are _you_ doing?" He asked and a little defensively. He tried to soften the question with a smile. Keith gave him an unimpressed look.

"This used to be my room." He shrugged "I wanted to see if Adam kept it the same, but it looks like its occupied." He said dryly and glowered at the door. "Lance complaining about me again?"

Hunk loved Lance and Keith both. He really did... But they were both idiots.

"No...Don't take what he said earlier too personal. I mean, he was kind of right-"

"Seriously?" Keith snapped back and Hunk raised his hands in mock surrender "Whatever. You wouldn't get it." He said and Hunk pinched the bridge of his nose. Seriously. He should get paid for putting up with this. "I won't apologize for choosing Shiro. He deserves it after everything he's been through."

"Nobody is arguing that, Keith." Hunk told him, voice dripping with fatigue. "Listen, man. I'm going to tell you something that I don't think you _or_ Lance have seemed to figure out."

"Oh yeah?" Keith asked and rose an eyebrow. Hunk really did try not to roll his eyes at that.

"Lance isn't actually mad that you put Shiro before us. He gets it."

"Doesn't seem that way."

"He's mad because you put Shiro before yourself too." Hunk said and Keith tensed at that "I know Shiro's gotten on you about that too so don't act like it isn't true." He added. While the ex-black paladin was always grateful for Keith's dying dedication, he also knew Shiro hated how much Keith was willing to risk for him.

"Why...Why would he be mad about that?" Keith spluttered. Hunk shrugged.

"Ask him yourself." He said and glanced over his shoulder. It was...Strangely quiet. Hunk narrowed his eyes. "In fact, you can ask him right now." He said and opened the door. Both Adam and Lance immediately fell out. "Eavesdropping?" He asked innocently - as if Hunk hadn't been doing the exact same thing ten minutes ago.

"No." Adam said "We were just...Bonding."

"Yep." Lance added and glared at Keith "We have lots of bonding moments."

Keith stared down at them. Then at Hunk. Then at Lance with a scowl.

“I don’t have time for this.” He muttered and turned away. Lance pouted. From beside him, Adam patted his arm. 

“If you want I can show you pictures of when Shiro forced him to wear the stupid Mickey Mouse ears at Disney world.” He said and Lance’s eyes perked up at that. 

“You’re the best.” He grinned. Hunk may or may not have suddenly had an idea for Keith’s new contact photo on his phone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you guys said you came to reread this series after feeling down about season 7 and honestly that was so sweet and flattering - I’m glad this eased some of the pain for people. 
> 
> Speaking of the season...Absolutely nobody asked for my opinion on season 7...but here it is anyways. 
> 
> Warning: Spoilers
> 
> I'm not going to go into the stuff I didn't like about it because I feel like we are all on the same page there. Though I WILL say if one more person calls Lance dumb I will lose my goddamn mind. 
> 
> Also...I thought we were going to see Keith react of Lance's sword? Maybe that's next season, but I was looking forward to seeing homeboy shook. 
> 
> However! Here's some of the good things to think about! 
> 
> Romelle is absolutely adorable. Keith's cosmic wolf was 10/10. Hunk's development was AWESOME (Hunk/Keith bonding was super cute). Lance's reunion with his family made me cry (his nephew legit told this boy 'you're the same size' after Lance said they had gotten bigger lmao). The fact Keith deadass called Shiro an 'old-timer' killed me. I also love how everyone is like "yeah, Keith's the black paladin and stuff" while Lance literally is just "Look at that boy. Our team leader. Our boi. Look at him go. The future right there, goddamn." 
> 
> Not to mention my boy Matt got a fucking ponytail, that madman. If everyone got as hot as he does when disappearing then I would be MIA for sure. PLUS Axca's new look was killer. Keith called Krolia mom! They said I love you! I had mixed emotions about the torturous lesbians. I kind of loved it, but also I'm desperate sooooo... 
> 
> AND VERONICA! The new love of my life. Not to be dramatic or anything, but I would die for her. Between her and Lance I might just die. Speaking of Lance, his death jokes were concerning, but I related to them hard. 
> 
> That was all nice! If you're feeling sad about the season then just think of those moments.
> 
> But listen. Season 8 is still a thing. The not-so-great stuff could all be a huge set-up for something AWESOME! And if not - well after season 8 it's over and we don't have to deal with it anymore lol. The VAs did a good job acting too which was good. And (as always) the art was beautiful. I don't know what opinions you have, but if I forgot to mention some of the good stuff, please remind me because I was so sad after it finished. 
> 
> ...but to be clear...I do not accept Adam's death and I don't think he will be dead in any fic I write because I love the version of him in my head too freaking much. I've decided the show has made Shiro basically immortal so I'm going to have to make Adam immortal. These are now the rules, sorry. 
> 
> ....uh...Thanks for reading my fic too? lol


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I have returned to war (aka the no service zone I was stuck in this week) Quick surprise before I hand over the next chapter - I made a tumblr! Not entirely sure what I’m going to do with it yet, but I might post some short drabbles or something, who knows?
> 
> Here’s the Thing  
> (if the link doesn’t work just type in CaffeinatedFlumadiddle into tumblr’s search thing and I should (maybe) show up)
> 
> I also followed incorrect-adashi-quotes and holy fuck. Their characterization of Adam is very similar to mine. If you have a tumblr go follow them because that blog is beautiful.

“Don’t you work for Little Tuna?”

Hunk blinked, tilting his head a bit to the side as he looked at the drug lord. He had thought sneaking into the secret meeting would be easier... unfortunately, he was spotted. 

“Uh, no.”

“I’m pretty sure you do. Little Tuna is the only guy I know who uses kids.” The man insisted. Hunk shook his head.

“Oh how sweet of you. I’m actually thirty, sir.” Hunk told him in his best impression of an adult voice. The man remained unconvinced. 

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Do you have your license?”

“I can’t drive.”

“At thirty?”

“Is that a problem?”

“Kid, you’re like 14. I don’t know who you think you’re fooling.”

“I’m thirty.” Hunk insisted “I have a cane and glasses.” He pointed out, gesturing to his accessories. Lance had told him he looked basically unrecognizable. He wasn’t sure what was happening here. The man continued to be unimpressed.

“I see that. Why don’t you take the glasses off?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because then I can’t see.”

A woman at the end of the table snorted.

“He’s got you there, Jared.” She pointed out and Jared turned to stare at him. Hunk stared back. After a few seconds of silence he shrugged.

“Yeah, okay. Whatever. Let’s get on with the meeting.” He sighed and held out his hand “Do you have a picture?” He asked and Hunk blinked. “You know of a loved one?” He frowned.

“Why do I need that?”

“In case you betray us. I need to know who to kill.” Jared said blandly. Hunk reeled back, eyes widening.

“No! I don’t have a picture!” He squeaked and the man pressed his lips together.

“Well...I just.. those are kind of the rules... you have to have a picture.”

“I mean,” Hunk tsked “I don’t have one though and I’m not really inclined to give you one if you just want to kill the person, you know?”

“Yeah, I know...but, like, those are the rules so...”

“We’re all criminals here though. So I feel as though breaking the rules aren’t that big of a deal.” Hunk pointed out “I can tell you some people I love. Personally, I really love Gordon Ramsey. Good chef. Good with kids and isn’t afraid to call adults out on being a moron.”

“I don’t think he counts.”

“Why not?” Hunk scowled “He’s someone I love and he’s pretty famous so you can just google a picture of him.”

“He’s right.” The woman from earlier said and showed her phone “I have a picture of him right here.” She said, and pulled up a picture of Gordon Ramsey screaming.

“I don’t have time for this.” Jared muttered. Hunk gasped, slamming his cane on the ground in affront.

“Never in my thirty years-”

“ _Really_?”

* * *

 “You need to salsa for salsa.”

Look. When Hunk started this whole thing he wasn’t really be sure what he was getting into exactly… And he _still_ wasn’t entirely sure what was going on a good 99.9% of the time. Hunk seemed to be pretty good with going with the flow with only mild constant panicking though.

So when a guy in an Armani suit smoking what could have been a joint (Hunk may have sold the stuff, but he promised his moms he wouldn’t do drugs) said the words ‘you need to salsa for salsa’ he simply laced his fingers together.

“I’m sorry… I need to _what_?”

“Did I stutter, boy?”

“No, but you like, kind of coughed so…” He shrugged “Which might be due to all the smoke. You know that’s really bad for you, right? Well. Some people say it isn’t, but like, I don’t quite know how it works to judge? According to some studies-”

“Stop talking.”

“Wow. That’s rude. Alright.” Hunk frowned, crossing his arms. The man stared at him. Hunk stared back. He blew some more smoke.

“If you want to speak to my boss…” He said slowly “You have to impress her with more than your cooking, boy. She’s a big fan of art so normally I would recommend you steal her a Picasso or something, but considering your… Experience, I think that is a bit below your pay grade.” He told him and Hunk felt himself bristle a bit. “So I was suggesting you dance if you want to the money for your ingredients.” He smirked. Hunk narrowed his eyes. “At the very least it’ll be amusing.”

Hunk forced a polite smile on his face.

“Oh. Definitely.” He agreed lightly. He wondered exactly how high profile this guy was. He was an absolute _dick_ and…Looked kind of familiar? Hunk could have sworn he had seen him before… Huh.

He would come back to that later. For now he needed to find Lance and get him to teach him to salsa.

* * *

 “I…What is this?”

Hunk had finished his salsa dance flawlessly. The drug lord (or drug lady? Would she be called a drug lady? That sounded not as classy) had been so pleased with it she had doubled the amount he had originally been after. The man who he had spoken to earlier was at loss as he looked down in front of him.

“A Picasso painting.” He smiled brightly “I had some of my people bring it in for me” He told him and clicked his tongue in disapproval as the man gawked at him “Unfortunately, you won’t be keeping it.” He sighed “But I figured I would demonstrate exactly what my pay grade is.” He told him and the man spluttered indignantly.

“I… You…” He blinked as Hunk turned away “How? You’re only fifteen! And what do you mean we won’t be keeping it?”

“I’ll keep my methods to myself.” Hunk called back as Darren pulled his car up next to him “And I also called the police. You can think twice about insulting my awesome salsa skills in jail!” He called as he shut the door. As they pulled away the wailing of sirens zipped past them.

“Clifford Bishop! You’re under arrest!”

Oh! _That_ was why he was so familiar! Wasn’t that Lance’s roommate’s dad?

Small world.

* * *

So... Hunk wasn't actually supposed to be in Mr. Shirogane's 10 a.m. class. 

He had just been using the room as a place to study in peace when kids came filing in the first day and was sort of too awkward to leave. He was an engineering student now, not piloting... The practical aspect of those classes ended up being too painful for him. 

But that didn't mean he wasn't interested in the book stuff behind piloting... And Mr. Shirogane was an interesting teacher to say the least.

"You know, of all the rebellious phases to go through... Sneaking into my piloting class is the lamest." Lance said. Shiro had paired them up together, which was a stroke of luck. Hunk wasn't entirely sure _why_ since Lance sat next to the moody kid with bad hair, but Lance looked relieved so he didn't say anything.

"Mr. Shirogane and I have a deal. Besides, I like hearing about it." He shrugged. Lance scoffed "I need all the information I can to rule the world one day."

"Ah. Of course. You and Mr. Shirogane have a deal?” Lance frowned and tapped his pencil against the desk “I thought he didn’t know you’re Little Tuna? At least you’re not fixing his projector this time.” The other boy smirked. Hunk sighed. Shirogane was young. Why couldn’t he understand computers? 

“He doesn’t know I’m Little Tuna. Do your work,” He muttered back “By the way, I talked to Darren’s brother, he goes to this school and can use a sword or something. He said he would do it.”

”Oh, whatever.” Lance grumbled, scribbling down his work “I don’t understand why I can’t be your body guard. Adam taught me how to use a gun!” He argued. Hunk pressed his lips together. He would never tell Lance this, but...Yeah. Lance with a gun was terrifying. 

“You just have a lot of your plate already.” He tried weakly “I figured as my right hand man you deserved a break.” 

Luckily this seemed to subdue Lance because he hummed in agreement. After scribbling a few more things down, he passed Hunk a note. 

“Speaking of which, that’s the number of your new best friend.” He told him and Hunk flipped the paper open “He’s a smuggler. Usually deals in coke and stuff, but he told me he could get us whatever we want. Turns out _everyone_  wants to work with Little Tuna.” He winked.

”And the second number?”

”A girl I met. She was pretty and so I told her she could join too.” He said and snatched the paper back “Actually, I need to copy down her number. Adam threw the one she gave me away.” 

“Adam?” Hunk asked and narrowed his gaze “Lance, how did you meet these people?”

”Let’s just say that me being a dog person allowed me to make some contacts.” He drawled out and Hunk trusted Lance enough to know he shouldn’t ask. Unfortunately, they seemed to forget where they were since the sound of someone clearing their throat made them both jump.

”I don’t remember dogs being in the work I assigned you.” He said dryly. Hunk rose an eyebrow, unintimidated.

”If you don’t give us detention then I’ll show you a picture of dogs.”

Shirogane stared. 

“Okay, but don’t think this is going to work for everything.” He grumbled and Hunk rolled his eyes. 

Hunk had been using dog pictures to sneak into this class for months now. Shiro knew he wasn’t a piloting student, but show the man a poodle and he’d go blind for you. 

“That’s how you’re allowed to be here? Dog pictures? Lance asked and Hunk shrugged.

”Sometimes its cat pictures.”

”I mean...Fair enough, I guess.” Lance sighed and looked down at his work “I once sucked someone’s toe to pet their cat so I get it.”

”You fucking _what_?”

* * *

“Are you joking?”

”That’s what Skull Crusher said.” Lance shrugged, digging his hands in his pockets as they walked around the store. “You are officially on the maps, dude. We can’t have people realizing Little Tuna and Hunk Garrett are the same person.”

”So what? I just hide in the office all day?” He demanded. The gang members had made their basement space pretty nice, but it wasn’t exactly a place he wanted to spend a lot of his time. “It’s creepy down there. I’m going to get eaten by a witch.”

”He just means with the Garrison students, Hunk.” Lance said “Iverson knows about the kitchen. He’s trying to figure out who Little Tuna is. We don’t want anyone snitching. So nobody outside our direct circle gets to know.”

”Our direct circle includes over fifty people, Lance.” He sighed. His...associates had grown exponentially the past couple months. It was truly incredible how many people were willing to break the law. Hunk didn’t understand how they weren’t too scared, but that was fine. 

“No. The lower people don’t get to know. Just the top ten.” Lance clicked by his tongue “Why do we need onions?” He added, looking at the list he was carrying. Hunk winced. He had been avoiding this...

“Um, well...for the salsa.”

Lance stopped walking.

“The salsa? It doesn’t have onions in it.” He frowned and Hunk looked down. 

“I was...well, I’m just kind of experimenting a little...” He said, voice going softer at the end. Lance went quiet for a moment, clearly digesting the information. 

“I....are you implying that you are changing my mother’s salsa recipe? That was handed down to her from her grandmother? Who learned from her father?” He said, absolutely appalled. Hunk sighed.

“Lance it’s just onions....”

“I can’t believe this. I can’t - you are a traitor!” Lance growled and crossed his arms. A few cashiers curiously looked over at them, but nobody came over. “I give you my family’s recipe in confidence and you want to _change_ it?” He demanded “How could you?!”

“It just can use a bit more of a...kick.” Hunk reasoned and instantly realized this was the wrong thing to say.

“Oh? It doesn’t have kick? I’m sorry! Let me just inform my mother that eighty years of wisdom isn’t good enough for Hunk Garrett!”

“Well I’m sorry I have a taste for quality!”

“Now it doesn’t have _quality_?” Lance screeched. The noise sent Hunk tumbling back into a display of canned food, sending the food tumbling everywehre. 

“God – _look what you did_!” Lance yelled “This is why we can’t have nice things, Garrett!”

Immediately, indignation rose up inside of Hunk. 

“ _Me_?! I am the reason nice things _exist_!”

“YOU CAN MAKE ONE DECENT PLATE OF POTATO SALAD AND SUDDENLY YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE!”

“YOU KNOW WHAT?! I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE!”

There was a pause.

“Hunk that was _so_ mean.” Lance whispered and shame washed over him. 

Lance looked so small and crushed...

Hunk wasn’t a mobster. Change that b to and n because he was a monster. 

“Lance...I wasn’t - listen.” He tried, but Lance wouldn’t look at him. Hunk sighed. He and Lance didn’t get into fights often, but when they did...There was only one solution. 

“Hey....I’m sorry, dude. Do you want me to send somebody to sneak itching powder in your roommate’s bed again?” He asked. Lance tilted his head. 

“Can we buy a dead fish to put in his closet too?”

“Why not two dead fish?”

”I love you, man. Let’s never fight again.”

* * *

 “Hunk....did you get lunch with PJ Hanson today?” Lance frowned as Hunk sat down at his office. Elena was curiously watching him as well, sipping her water with raised eyebrows.

“Uh...yeah.”

“And Fiona Davison yesterday?” Elena asked, tilting her head. Hunk nodded.

“What about James Griffin the day before?”

“Yes...”

“And Nadia Rizavi before that?”

“What are you two implying?!” Hunk demanded. Elena and Lance exchanged exhausted glances. “What?!”

“Why are you having lunches with these people?” Elena asked him, running a hand through her hair. When Hunk just stared, she turned to Lance “I told you. He doesn’t know!”

“I do know!” Hunk objected “We are going over business stuff!”

“None of the students know you’re Little Tuna. How is that business?” Elena told him and Hunk pursed his lips. He hadn’t considered that.

“Then...why do they keep asking me out to do stuff?” He frowned and Lance smiled weakly.

“Dates, dude. They are asking you out on dates.” He sighed. Hunk felt his jaw drop. He was dating people? This entire time?

“All of them...?” Hunk asked slowly and when the pair nodded, felt a surge of panic “How many people am I dating?!”

“Like...nine.” Lance shrugged.

Oh no. Oh God no. He didn’t know anniversaries or birthdays or any of that. He wasn’t ready for a relationship - let alone nine! Nine!

“Does this make me a hoe?” He asked, sounding dazed. Elena nodded. Lance hit her arm.

“We do not slut shame here!” He scowled and then fixed Hunk with a rueful look “Although, I think you might be nine-timing all of your significant others, which isn’t great...”

He was a cheater now. How low had he sunk? He wasn’t ready for this sort of reputation. How was he supposed to sleep at night like this? Knowing the awful things he’s done?

Never mind drug dealing and stealing. He had done worse now. Lance seemed to sense his distress because he patted his arm reassuringly.

“Don’t worry,” Elena told him “It’s not like your pre-Takashi Adam.” She informed him, flicking through her magazine “The man was like...the Christopher Columbus of dick. Nobody knows how he got there, but he claimed it as his own.”

“That’s gross.”

“Super gross, Elena.”

“Just saying,” Elena shrugged “Don’t act like you two are pure. You’re literally blackmailing me to be here.”

“Back to the situation at hand.” Lance sighed “How are you going to break up with all these people?” He asked and Hunk bit his lip. He didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings...

“Elena, I need you to go out and buy nine banquets of flowers...and chocolates....and I know PJ really likes gummy bears so get him a pack of those. Also, Fiona wanted a necklace so I’ll send you a picture to pick it up-”

“You’re just going to buy them stuff, huh?”

“I run an eighty thousand dollar kitchen. I can buy them as many apology presents as I want.”

“I think you’re just turning into a pimp.” Lance told him, but nodded at Elena anyways. The teacher sighed, but stood up and crossed her arms.

“Teach for a few years, they said. It will be a good way to work off your debt, they said. Kids are sweet. Yeah, I’m working for a fucking fifteen year old mob boss who didn’t know he was dating nine people. Fuck this.” She muttered. Lance watched her leave.

“I think she’s feeling left out. You should have taken her to lunch too.”

“Are you feeling left out?”

“You’ve never accidentally dated me! Of course I am!”

* * *

 “I hate him.”

“Yeah...yeah, I know, buddy.” 

“He learned my own mother tongue just to fucking insult me!” Lance seethed and Hunk tried to focus on the task at hand. 

“He’s officially my rival. It’s done. I’m doing it.”

“I’m pretty sure Keith has been your rival for awhile now, Lance.” Hunk sighed, signing another form. The best part about drawing up contracts was as follows:

He was a minor so none of them were legally binding. 

If he decided somebody was unworthy of his time, he had no qualms about quitting them. Though Lance pointed out with his line of work, contracts weren’t exactly going to be legal anyways.

Still. He liked the power his youth provided.

“He was like my...Accidental rival. The translation thing might have been my bad, but now?” Lance clicked his tongue “War. Absolutely war.”

“What did he even say to you?” Hunk asked, putting his pen down because clearly Lance needed his full attention. 

“ _Que te folle un pez_.” Lance said, lips pursed. Hunk rose an eyebrow. 

“Do I look like I know what that means?” He asked wryly and Lance wrinkled his nose. He seemed to be fighting to find a good translation. 

“Uh....it’s like...I hope you get fucked by a fish.” He said slowly and Hunk choked. “Hunk!” Lance yelled, scandalized “It isn’t _funny_!”

“He told you...” He wheezed and hit the table “oh my God.” 

“You are so mean.”

“Come on...that’s a little fun-”

“No!” Lance growled and Hunk schooled his features and nodded. Silently, he commended the other boy for creativity.

“I wonder where he learned that. He doesn’t know Spanish normally, does he?” He mused and Lance froze. 

“ _Adam_...” He whispered “That slimey son of bitch.”

”Respect your elders or a fish is going to have sex with you, Lance.”

”Listen here-”

* * *

 “Draven,” Hunk frowned “Are you alright?”

His body guard tucked his sword a bit to his side, pressing his lips together as he looked around.

“I met Pidge Gunderson.”

“I mean...I did ask you to scout him for me.”

“He kicked me.”

“Oh.”

“And called me an idiot.”

“I see.”

“And told me I was a punk ass little bitch.”

Hunk pressed his fingers together and sighed. Rumor had it that Pidge Gunderson was Little Tuna. Obviously, this wasn’t true, but Hunk was still curious. Maybe he would like to take over one day... Hunk couldn’t be a mob boss forever. He had other things he wanted to do. Open a legal restaurant, maybe. Become a florist. Raise cattle. Join a reality TV show. The possibilities were endless.

“You realize you’re going to school to become an engineer, right?” Draven asked him with a raised eyebrow. Huh. He hadn’t realized he said that aloud.

“Of course. Right.” Hunk frowned “So any other updates on Gunderson. Uh, other than he’s mean?”

“He likes peanut butter.” Draven told him flatly. Hunk frowned and nodded for him to continue “He also has evil in his eyes.”

“Right...” Hunk said slowly “That’s it...?”

“Yeah, do you need me tonight? I promised this emo kid I would teach him how to use a sword.” Draven said, tossing his fringe out of his eyes “So tell Darren he doesn’t have to drive me home.”

“Uh, yeah. Sure.” Hunk blinked “Um. Goodnight.” He waved awkwardly and Draven nodded, giving a sloppy wave as he exited the office. Hunk sighed.

What the Hell was with the Pidge Gunderson guy? 

* * *

"You stole _what_?" Pidge asked, voice going high. Hunk laughed.

"I didn't steal the painting." He shook his head "I had someone make a replica of it. All I had to do was take a picture of it and send it to the police with a claim there had been a heist and the one in the museum was a fake. After they arrested Bishop it took them a week to realize it wasn't real." He smiled indulgently.

"Clifford...Bishop?" Keith said slowly and both him and Adam turned to Shiro. The paladin looked like he might cry.

"Not a word." He whispered and smirk crawled on Keith's face.

"But-"

"Not. A. Word." He growled and the rest of the group snorted. It wasn't like none of them were unaware that the man in question was Shiro's ex-boyfriend. Keith didn't need to say anything. Shiro sighed. "Forget the galra," He told them "Listening to this story is the reason my hair is white." He said and Adam smiled at him, brushing the tuft of hair back fondly.

"I like it. It's like snow."

"Gross." Keith and Lance muttered at the same time. Adam groaned and put his forehead on his Shiro's shoulder.

"Goddamn, you two. I haven't seen my boyfriend in _how_ long?" He demanded glaring at them "I can't flirt with him in my own freaking home?"

"Well Shiro and I live here too." Keith objected and Shiro winced, possibly knowing this was the worst thing to say. Adam's mouth popped open.

" _Do you_?" He asked, voice going up three octaves "Because you haven't been here paying any bills that I'm aware of!"

"We didn't pay any bills before!"

"I paid-"

"No you didn't, Shiro." Keith interrupted the paladin and Shiro grumbled, settling a bit into the couch before giving Adam an apologetic look.

"Well _you_ fucked off to space and _you_ fucked off to a shed andthen to space so as far as I'm concerned this is solely my apartment. Besides, aren't you like...Nineteen now? Get your own damn house." He muttered and Keith jutted out his chin.

"I'm twenty-one."

"I literally celebrated your birthday since you were thirteen. How are you going to lie to me about that?" Adam shot back. Hunk snorted. An image of Adam bitterly wearing a birthday hat while watching Keith blow out his candles morosely with Shiro happily clapping in the background suddenly came to mind. Keith's smirk grew, possibly knowing what he was about to say would make Adam explode.

"Yeah, I'm actually twenty-one. I spent two years in a pocket of time and space on the back of a space whale and when I left only like...A week had passed here." He shrugged. Adam went silent before turning to Shiro, who nodded. Hunk was beginning to wonder if he should start the story up again when Adam slowly stood up and left the room.

"Is, uh...He alright?" Pidge asked, watching him go. Hunk wondered if he had gone to ask Coran, Allura, Romnelle, and Krolia to confirm the story. This theory was immediately dismissed when they heard the front door close.

"He'll be back." Lance yawned. "I'm surprised he's been keeping it together this long, quite frankly. His boyfriend did return to earth after being presumed dead with white hair, a missing arm, a new body, and a giant lion." He shrugged "He also brought three and half aliens into his home and some random kids who pilot giant space lions. This is all after we thought he was dead for about a month after being blown up by the galra. It might be a lot to take in."

"When you put it...Like that..." Shiro said slowly "You know, I'm going to go check on him." He said and Pidge shook her head as she watched him go. She turned back to them and her eyes flickered between Lance and Keith. She looked at Hunk.

Nope. He was not getting involved. He crossed his arms and glared at her. Pidge pursed her lips and glowered at him.

“Hunk, can you help me with something?” She asked, standing up.

“Wait,” Lance frowned “I thought you were going to tell us stuff too.” He pouted “I wanted to know how you dealt with being a boy.” He smirked and Hunk elbowed him. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll give you the documentary soon.” She scoffed “I just want Hunk to check out this gadget I’m making. Do you want to hear me ramble on about it for thirty minutes?”

“Um-”

“Didn’t think so.” Pidge nodded and jerked her head for Hunk to follow. He sighed and heaved himself up. From the corner of his eye he saw Keith and Lance glance at each other and shift awkwardly. 

“You sure them being alone is a good idea?” He muttered and Pidge sighed.

“No. But eventually one of them is going to crack and it’s either going to end with murder or making out. I’m not sure I want to be around for either.” She said dryly and Hunk pursed his lips at that. 

“Fair enough...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How old would Keith actually be..? 21 isn’t right. Season 7 fucked with my mind in terms of their ages. If someone knows everyone’s correct ages please tell me lol. I know nothing. 
> 
> One last surprise...I’ve been doing some thinking. After Pidge’s fic, I’m giving Adam is own fic in this series. He deserves it after s7. So look forward to that. But too keep you guys updated the last couple fics are as follows:
> 
> Basically a Man (Pidge)  
> Basically a Secret Agent (Adam)  
> Basically a Family (ending fic...it’s gonna be Adam and Shiro’s wedding because I was really hoping for that when Adam was introduced and now I’m not sure we’ll get one so I’m taking matters into my own hands)


End file.
